In Freud We Trust?

Definition of PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

adjective:  being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness) - Merriam Webster Dictionary

We bandy words about so easily any more, often not really knowing what they mean.  I'm just as guilty; I will infer the meaning of a word from the context in which it is used only to find I was way off base.  Wonder if that comes from growing up in an era where you had to go find the dictionary and spend time leafing through pages to find your word?

Passive-aggressive is one of those readily used terms today.  How many of us know the actual definition of it?  I had an inkling of the actual meaning from different study areas in school, but I must admit I couldn't sum it up succinctly until I got to thinking about it today and took the time to research.

My grandfather used to say, "if the shoe fits, wear it."  Well, Grandpa, this shoe fits me perfectly.  For someone like me, who has never had a sense of self-esteem built into my being, passive-aggressive behavior is a way of life.  Oh, I have my days when I boil over and the emotions come tumbling out, but when one has been trained to maintain an even strain as I have been, the passive part becomes so much more active.

I am guilty.  Mea culpa.  I beg forgiveness.  But you know, dammit, it's hard to put those ways behind when it's what you've lived for almost 50 years.  Is there a 12-step program for those of us with passive-aggressive behaviors?  Mental pep talks aren't cutting the mustard any more, because I have no accountability that I can't just whisk away with a toss of the head.

It's exhausting to live like this.  One becomes programmed to subjugating their own wishes in order to keep peace in any situation.  Others often throw labels when direct assertion is shown; things like, "you argue too much," or "you always want your way."  Conversely, one hears parental voices from the past with the dreaded, "if you don't agree with someone, don't argue, it's not polite."

Consequently, I shrink from many confrontations, which I then resent for not speaking my mind.  Unfortunately, I overreact to others and pursue them too far.  

Lennon and McCartney wrote lyrics once that state:  "What have I done to deserve such a fate?  I realize I have left it too late.  And so it's true, pride comes before a fall; I'm telling you so that you won't lose all."  Thus comes this blog entry.

Talk to me Sigmund.  Is there hope for a girl like me?