All you can do is all you can do and all you can do is enough

I first saw this phrase as part of a book promotion many years ago, and it has become my mantra ever since.  Think about it:  we each can only accomplish so much for whatever reasons, right?

My next favorite and most well-proven declaration of life I first heard quoted from Clare Booth Luce, American ambassador to Italy in the 1950's:  "No good deed goes unpunished."  I want that one tattooed on my body somewhere I have to see it every waking moment.

Where am I going with this?  Let's see if I can express it well enough:

I am a person who, when I care for you, give you my all.   That doesn't mean I like you every day, but I would still lay down and die for you if it would help you.  I guess you could say I wear my heart on my sleeve and give it far too easily.

I have found, however, that this leaves me extremely emotionally vulnerable to those whom I feel I'm helping/protecting.  It has happened to me too many times for me to not see my fault in this.  The scenario generally unfolds thusly:  I pour my entire being into a person or a cause or whatever I feel requires my attention at that moment, and get backhanded for my devotion on all sides.

Years ago, I was a member of a world-wide volunteer service organization.  People noticed me and I began to move up in rank and position within the organization on a national level as well as on a state-wide level.   I found myself being recognized for the thought and hard work I gave, particularly on the national level of the group; however, this didn't sit well with the powers-that-be back home.  Without going into detail, my career was sabotaged very efficiently and I was eventually cornered into resigning from something where I was following my heart and my head and making a difference in the world.  Lesson learned?  Don't be too smart or successful.

Person-to-person situations seem to backfire on me as well:  I will give you all I have to give, even to the point of causing unrest in my own home, and then be put down because my actions didn't fit someone's preconceived mold of what they should be.  I have lost too many relationships I hold dear over things like that.  I have one hanging in the balance tonight that if it goes south on me will be the emotional end of me.  I don't know how to fight back except to say that I was giving my best and doing what I thought was best and I'm sorry.  Lesson learned?  Don't love so much.

All you can do is all you can do, and all you can do is enough.  What a crock of crap.  No wonder our society is so impersonal these days; giving equals vulnerability and vulnerability opens a Pandora's Box of potential hell.

"Hello, darkness, my old friend.

I've come to talk with you again.

Because a vision softly creeping

left its words while I was sleeping.

And a vision that was planted in my brain

still remains

Within the sounds of silence."            Simon and Garfunkel

Here's to our personal dark sides:  may those who open these doors rot in eternity.