Why?

I feel as though I've been pounded repeatedly with a hammer.  No, it's not physical pain, although I've got an arm I'd gladly exchange for a healthy one right now, it's a dark night of the soul.

There's an old story that circulated when I was still working in one of the local hospitals about a man who was brought in to the ER with 15 hammer blows to his head as cause of death.  The coroner ruled it suicide.  We all just hooted with laughter about how nonsensical that was, but over the last several months, particularly in the last week, I have discovered that you do have the ability to hammer yourself in the head, repeatedly.

Loss and the subsequent grief I wouldn't wish on anyone.  It's hard enough when you lose someone from your life and you might wonder what influence you may have had in their departure.  But when you lose not one, but two, people in just a few hours, and know that you were a contributor to the circumstances surrounding their departure, an inferno to make Dante proud engulfs you and you pray for the burning to be over soon.

I can remember telling my kids in all my wisdom - yeah, right! - that parents don't get an instruction manual on the rights and wrongs of raising a child or maintaining adult relationships.  We fly by the seat of our pants and the grace of God, and sometimes we make bad calls.  Yet I have struggled with fractured relationships in my own life all along.

So now the shoe is on the other foot:  I made what I thought were right decisions at the time only to have them blow up in my face and take my heart out with them.  Protesting that all intent was good has been met with stinging words inquiring of my mental state at the time - was I serious in thinking this was the right thing to do?

Irving Berlin's lyrics come to me:  "What'll I do when you are far away and I am blue, what'll I do?"  Right now I'm leaning - hard - on those closest to me, and I'm working to develop the discipline to turn the situation over to God and allow Him to see it through - He already knows the end of the story anyway.

Sometimes we're just put into a spot where any choice made is going to anger someone.  God grant me the serenity and wisdom to get through this one.